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  • Writer's picturekara-duncan

Miscarriage is Both

Updated: Aug 29, 2023

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Miscarriage is Both

With adoption being such a big part of my family’s story I’m always on the lookout for any adoption related books. A new book recently came out called “Adoption is Both”. The goal of the book is to create honest dialogue that adoption is both happy, sad, unique and all around beautiful.

Olivia and I love to read it at bedtime and relate to how adoption can be complex. Our favorite part of the book is at the end when the character has a blend of both colors to show how we can live with mixed emotions inside.

Adoption is Both by Elena S. Hall

Speaking of emotions…

I recently had my annual physical at my OBGYN’s office. I’ve known my doctor for years now and he’s been a part of some critical moments in our family’s story.

During my office visit I passed by the ultrasound room. The room where years ago I first saw images of our sweet baby and just weeks later the room where I ultimately heard the words that no woman wants to hear, “I’m so sorry. I can’t detect a heartbeat”.

The door to the room was open allowing me a chance to see the table and ultrasound machine as I passed down the hallway. And just like that, my grief was fresh again as though my loss had just happened. Grief is tricky like that; it comes and goes.

Our little peanut at 8 weeks old

The days that followed had me praying, talking and processing with God about that event in our lives. Why did He allow me to get pregnant after I had already resolved and accepted that pregnancy wouldn’t be part of my story? Why did He allow me to get pregnant, part of my heart’s desire for so long, if it wouldn’t end up in a live birth? As I struggled with these questions, I came to realize some things and I reminded my heart of some truths:

  • My ways are not His way; my thoughts are not His thoughts and I may not know and understand answers to my questions during my time on earth. Isaiah 55:8-9

  • I’m not in control and I don’t get to number my own days, let alone of those around me. For reasons unknown, our baby’s time here on earth was meant for that period of time.

  • Despite my temptation to evaluate God’s goodness based on my life’s circumstances, I can trust and know that God loves me and care for me deeply.

  • God wants me to hope again. He has put dreams and desires in my heart for His purposes and glory. And my recent grief has been an invitation to allow Him to show me how I can stop deferring hope and begin to dream again. Not necessarily for another pregnancy, but for other dreams and desires that I’ve been holding back on. Proverbs 13:12

None of the above statements were meant to take away my grief, but they sure help in the processing of the emotions.

So, then an interesting question comes to mind. If adoption is both happy and sad, how does that relate to miscarriage?

I believe that miscarriage is both happy and sad as well. We experienced happiness during the time of little one’s life here on earth, and I have the promise of heaven to see her again.

If given the choice to choose adoption again (which would mean I would avoid some of the sadness that came along with it) I wouldn’t have to think for even a second. I would wholeheartedly choose adoption again. It has formed our family in a beautiful way and I can’t imagine not being a Mom to Olivia.

If I had the choice to choose miscarriage again, I would pause to consider that a little bit longer, but I would ultimately choose the experience again. It’s a delayed and more difficult response because the reality of the joy that comes with that pain is delayed until heaven. But I would choose to love and experience loss again. I have a daughter in heaven to meet one day. Olivia has a sibling to meet and to know. What a gift.

I’m reminded in moments such as this that it’s healthy to zoom in and process what emotions present themselves. In part, I’m also reminded that zooming in for too long can distort our perspective. By zooming out I see the bigger picture of my life. And all throughout my life I see God’s goodness and faithfulness. I see His love and provision. I see that He is my living hope and my salvation.

As you get ready to move on with your day be reminded that it’s ok to have mixed emotions, it’s good to go back and process previous life events with God and allow Him to do another layer of healing and it’s healthy to zoom out and remind yourself of your life’s story’s bigger picture.

As you carry your emotions to God, I pray that you find grace, peace and hope as you pray and process your mixed emotions with God.

What about you? What life experience has driven you to have mixed emotions? Are you deferring any hope that you might need to revive again? I’d love to hear from you below.

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Aug 29, 2023

Kara, how timely for you to share these thoughts. 25 years after my miscarriage, I woke up with my heart filled with grief just yesterday. I felt guilty for feeling how I did. Thanks for sharing these thoughts and this perspective. Adoption is both, and so is miscarriage. Carrying those emotions to God is the only way I’ve been able to find Hope and peace, even after all these years. Your words blessed me. ❤️

Aug 30, 2023
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I’m so glad that you were blessed by this post. We carry our grief with us, even still. Hugs to you my dear friend. And I’m lifting your heavy heart to God in prayer too; asking Him to continue to give you the hope and peace that you need.

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